Carjacked
If
I’m ever carjacked and locked inside the trunk of my own car, I am
prepared. I know just what to do to save myself, thanks to the
efforts of informative television talk show hosts. I remember
watching TV as some serious safety expert demonstrated how to kick
out my own tail lights, thereby alerting passing police officers
that something must be wrong in the car. Carefully making mental
notes about what to do or not do to stay safe, I imagined myself
part of the greater television audience composed of millions of
young mothers like myself, folding laundry, feeding and rocking
babies, tidying up while watching the television from the corners of
our eyes, feeling virtuous that we were learning how to be always
more vigilant, ever better moms. Interesting and useful as this
carjacking advice may be, however, I’ve never had to use it. And in
the many years since I first watched, fascinated, as this supposedly
essential information was provided, I have yet to meet anyone else
who has had to extricate herself from her own carjacked trunk.
Of course, taking appropriate safety
precautions only makes sense. I would never tell a parent not to be
cautious; I believe it is always important to use car seats and
electrical outlet protectors, and to keep knives out of reach of
small children. I have always been careful to do what I can to keep
my own loved ones safe. What doesn’t always make sense to me,
though, is how often the media focuses on potential life hazards.
These stories make young parents fear that there is danger of death
or dismemberment around every household corner or at the hands of
potentially any adult, including loved ones, despite the fact that
these heartbreaking tales of children being hurt become news largely
because of the infrequency with which they occur.
As a psychotherapist and parenting expert, what concerns me about
these frequent safety-issue alerts is the effect that these kinds of
warnings have on parents. Many mothers and fathers become
hyper-alert and, unfortunately, frightened, that the world is a
terrifyingly dangerous place, and that they must do anything and
everything in their power to prevent any harm befalling their kids.
Sometimes parents get so paralyzed by their fears of these perceived
or hidden dangers that they forget to relax and have fun with their
kids. And when parents are over-protective, or constantly fearful,
their children often become anxious and timid and unable to enjoy
normal exploring of the world.
I believe that one of the best gifts parents can give their children
is to assure them that they have confidence in them and faith that
the world is a wonderful place to be. Kids need to believe that life
is essentially good, and that there are opportunities to find
happiness in infinite ways. Children need to feel that they are
safe, but that sense of security comes from witnessing their parents
feeling confident about the world, taking thoughtful precautions
(those car seats, for example, or keeping poisonous cleaning
products under lock and key until the child is old enough to
understand the need to avoid them) while also allowing for creative
exploration and expression.
Stories about abusive babysitters and child molesters have led many
new moms to fear ever leaving their children with anyone. Parents
seem not to trust their own judgment anymore, which leads them to
being overprotective and uncertain about every parenting decision.
Excessive worry about strangers and dangers, or trying to prevent
every scraped knee may keep kids from physical harm, but it also is
likely to inhibit their ability to develop trust in themselves and
others, to be playful and adventurous, or simply to have confidence
in themselves or others. While paying no attention to your
children’s safety may occasionally lead to them getting hurt, too
much caution may stifle their willingness to try new skills, to
develop new talents, or simply to be a spontaneous, trusting,
carefree person.
I believe that it is useful to have truly avoidable dangers pointed
out to the general population; undoubtedly, lives have been saved by
parents who’ve placed the baby’s crib away from windows and put
poisonous cleaning products under lock and key. I believe in living
safely, and that mothers and fathers should protect their kids. But
I also believe that too many parents of young children have become
so cautious that they and their children are immobilized and
frightened, and that’s not the kind of protection kids require.
Instead, parents need to show children that they are confident and
love their kids, and that the world is a great place to be. Too much
fear hurts kids as much as too little.
Debra Gilbert Rosenberg, LCSW, is the mother of three, a licensed
clinical social worker, and an adjunct faculty member in the
Sociology Department at Dominican University in River Forest,
Illinois. She works part time at a community mental health center
and runs discussion/support groups for first time mothers. She is
the author of The New Mom’s Companion: Care for Yourself While
You Care for Your Newborn, a guide for first time mothers to
help them adjust to the many emotional, relationship, identity, and
physical changes that accompany motherhood, published by
Sourcebooks, Inc, in April, 2003, and Motherhood Without Guilt:
Being the Best Mother You Can Be and Feeling Great About It, a
book that helps mothers become more self-accepting and confident
about their motherhood, also published by Sourcebooks, Inc, in
October, 2004.
Check out her website at:
www.debrarosenberg.com
